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Believe it or not, I am pregnant again.

I am one of the creatures who enjoy daydreaming; but I have never pictured myself having three kids - until a few days ago. This time it’s real.

God I can’t believe this is happening to me and I don’t like it for the following 10 reasons:

1. I am too busy to have a third child.
2. I have just managed to lose all the baby fat I put on with #2.
3. I can’t afford the demanded resource (time, energy, money, …).
4. I don’t like it.
5. I don’t like it.
6. I don’t like it.
7. I don’t like it.
8. I don’t like it.
9. I don’t like it.
10. I don’t like it.

I wish I could punch my husband in the face, but he was too tall (so I punched him on the chest).

Then I realized it was not his fault. It was not anyone’s fault. It doesn’t matter!

What matters is how to deal with it.

Well said - but how?

It’s funny we humans sometimes create our own problems. My friends in China think I am crazy to even worry about it. To them, this is a no-brainer.

Same issue, different level of difficulty…

I must be the reason for the difference.

I wish I (and my husband) could stop thinking too much. It’s not a baby yet. It cannot feel anything. It’s like a tiny blob of tissue - except that one day it can grow into a baby, a cheerful girl like Isabella, or a smart boy like William…

Oh God this is soooooo difficult!

Why do I have to go through this?

I don’t like it.

William and my husband have been doing something quite exciting lately - a comet named Holmes exploded in the sky a few weeks ago. Somehow, this made the comet a million times brighter and appear to be half the size of a full moon. Ever since the dad-and-son science team learned the news and spotted the fuzzy circular blob in the sky, the backyard had turned into an exciting place: chairs, binoculars, star charts, misplaced shoes, and unfinished food…

The two would spend half an hour every night in the cold after dinner.

Every night.

Last night, after another session of star watching, the two entered the living room. I could feel the cold air lingering around their bodies as they shut the door behind.

“Daddy, that was so much fun! I love comet Holmes - it’s a magic!”

“Great! I am glad to hear that, son…”

“Daddy, I love you.”

“Great! I am glad to hear that.” Someone is trying to put an end to the conversation and send the other one to bed.

“Daddy - can you stop eating?”

“Uh??” That was an odd question.

“Why stop eating? People have to eat to grow. If Daddy stops eating, Daddy won’t be able to grow…”

“Daddy - I don’t want you to grow because if you grow too old you will die. I don’t want you to die…”

Oh, my God! My husband looked at me, not sure how to respond.

“Uh… you know, William, everybody has to grow old and die, even the stars and comets…” Well, that’s deep for a 5 year old!

“Uh… you see - one day Daddy will die and you will be by yourself - but you will be OK, because you are so strong and tall and big and smart…” Someone wished he knew the subject better so that he didn’t have to mumble.

“No, Daddy! I don’t want you grow and die! If you die I will punch myself and break my skull and then I will die, too!”

Lots of hugs…